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Liam Payne’s demons explained – ‘He was so ill in ways he couldn’t beat’
Liam Payne had struggled with his mental health issues for years before his death last week and even revealed that loneliness had “nearly killed me a couple of times”. But it was his haunting final words, uttered just minutes before his fatal fall from a hotel balcony, that revealed the true extent of his inner demons. Speaking with a young woman who had been staying at the same resort, Liam allegedly told her, “I used to be in a boyband – that’s why I’m so f**ked up.”
The unnamed woman, who used the pseudonym Rebecca, struck up a conversation with Liam just half an hour before he died. He was in the lobby of the hotel and according to Rebecca, “It was so clear he wanted someone to recognise him – there was something a bit desperate about him.” She said he introduced himself to her and her friends without prompting, exclaiming, “Yes, I’m Liam,” before inviting them into a lift, telling them, “I love a cuddle.”
Liam later returned to the lobby to read emails on his laptop, saw one he obviously didn’t like and, according to Rebecca, yelled, “F**k this s**t, mate!” and threw the computer on the floor. “I went over and asked, ‘Are you OK?’ But he just kind of grunted,” Rebecca recalled. “Then he said, ‘I used to be in a boyband. That’s why I’m so f**ked up.’”
Once he’d left, Rebecca claims one of Liam’s team came over and apologised on his behalf, saying, “I’m sorry, he just gets so high sometimes.” Indeed, Liam’s life had been blighted by drug and alcohol use, something he had been open about in the past. At the peak of his stardom with One Direction, the fame and isolation that came with being in the biggest boyband in the world caused him to spiral into drink-fuelled oblivion – and he admitted he’d hit “rock bottom” as a result.
In a separate interview in 2019, Liam said of being in the band, “It’s almost like putting the Disney costume on before you step up on stage and underneath the Disney costume I was pissed quite a lot of the time because there was no other way to get your head around what was going on. It just got a little bit toxic.” Despite struggling with addiction during his time in the band, things really started to spiral out of control when One Direction announced an indefinite hiatus in 2016. Although his solo career looked promising, it quickly fizzled out and, while former bandmate Harry Styles was selling out stadiums, Liam was sinking further into substance abuse.
Liam said of those dark days, “I put on so much weight. I was eating badly. There were a few pictures of me, all bloated out. I call it my pills and booze face. I just didn’t like myself very much.” While Liam was open about his struggles, a source since his death has said, “He tried to downplay them at times,” adding, “His demons were much worse than he let on.” That said, Liam had been honest about the suicidal thoughts he’d experienced at his lowest ebb – he had genuinely considered ending his life.
“You would never have seen it. I’m very good at hiding it,” he told Steven Bartlett in 2021. Two years earlier, while taking part in the TV show, Ant Middleton & Liam Payne: Straight Talking , the singer said, “For some certain circumstances I’m quite lucky to be here still. There are times when that level of loneliness and people getting into you every day, it’s like, ‘When will this end?’ That almost nearly killed me a couple of times.”
In July 2023, Liam revealed he’d stopped using social media for the sake of his mental health, after he’d previously made unflattering comments on a podcast about his One Direction bandmates. In a YouTube video he confessed, “I just needed to take a little bit of time out for myself actually, because I kind of became somebody who I didn’t really recognise any more. And I’m sure you guys didn’t either. I was in bad shape up until that point and I was really happy to kind of put a stopper to life and work.”
It was revealed he’d actually spent 100 days in a Louisiana rehab facility, where he had poured his efforts into art, poetry and his sobriety. Sadly, it wasn’t to last. Upon hearing the news of Liam’s death, thousands of fans and friends took to social media to pay tribute. One, hair stylist Luke Benson, who had known Liam for years, wrote, “I can’t believe it. Some of us were lucky enough to see the best version of you. I’m so sorry. You didn’t choose this side of fame.” He added, “He was so kind. But he was so ill in ways he couldn’t beat, leading to some things he shouldn’t have done. Misguided and too trusting.”
Liam might well have felt his tragic end was written in the stars. He once revealed he was “born effectively dead”– he was premature and unresponsive at birth. For the first few years of his life he was in and out of hospital, being treated for kidney malfunction and needed injections in his arm every day growing up. But from the medical trauma of his childhood, he rose up to become a confident, happy lad, who loved performing for his sisters in front of the television and longing to be a star. Although he ultimately achieved his dream, the price of fame was far greater than anyone could have imagined.
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