Monday, May 10We Break the News

INTERNATIONAL: Why is Trump trying to stop Ugandans from producing babies in USA?

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Someone told Trump about our cunning trick, our kakodyo where we go to America while pregnant and give birth there so that our children can be American citizens.

Some of us do it with all our kids, repeatedly, over and over and over, leading to the following conversation:

“Where are you going, Namukasa?”

“To Make American children Again.”

The child is born in the US and is issued a US birth certificate and the citizenship that comes along with it. After that the parents get on the bus and trundle back home to continue living here until the chaos they were forward-thinking enough to plan against inevitably strikes. Then their child does not have to languish in a refugee camp with the rest of us. That was the plan.

But “The United States said it would no longer issue temporary visitor visas to pregnant women seeking to enter the country for so-called ‘birth tourism,’”according to Nilepost.

The era of peace and development so famously ushered in 34 years ago is now precarious and fragile; it is hanging not by a thread, but by a spiderweb that will snap any time now.

I’m telling you. I saw the future. Like so many other eras of peace in so many other countries, this one is about to collapse. We are all going to become either warriors or refugees. All of us, except the children born in the USA, who will be entitled to places on the US Air Force C-130 Hercules planes that will be airlifting certified American citizens out of danger.

In the meantime, we have a new generation of boys and girls playing barefoot football in the dust, not knowing that they are not even African– they are Americans, and American kids shouldn’t play football like that: American kids play “Saaacurr” while wearing at least 500 dollars worth of sports gear.

But that barefoot kapiira in the kafuufu slaps different, as the African saying goes, so we can’t begrudge them their moment in the African sun. Let them play. Bazanye earnestly, because when the approaching chaos hits and they are repatriated to America, they will need fond memories of us to spur them to convince the US to send aid to Uganda, and not drones.

We need them to plead on our behalf to either president Pence if impeachment goes through or Capo Di Capo Don Trump if it doesn’t, and instead of destroying him, just makes him stronger by unleashing the mafioso within.

You know what happens when you shoot at a mafia member and miss? That mafioso makes sure you never get to shoot again by destroying any weapon you can use against him. In the case of Trump, if the impeachment misses, he will retaliate by annulling the Constitution, outlawing the legislature, removing term limits and declaring itself supreme dictator. It’s the Gangster Way.

But now that we can’t have any more American kids, compatriots and fellow future victims of the collapse of law and order, we are going to have to sketch another strategy.

This is what I propose: Harry and Meghan are already in North America, right?

And the Head of state of Canada is the Queen, right?

A longstanding tradition of British Royals, a tradition that goes back generations and generations, is to kill each other as a means of ascending to the throne. I read about this in Shakespeare because I am a very intellectual fellow. I read Shakespeare.

British Royals have been slaughtering each other for centuries, murdering parents, brothers, sisters and even their children in a mad bloody dash for the throne.

So, let’s have Harry, using his army training, stage a coup and become King of Canada.

After he achieves this, then, Archie can go and marry Blue Ivy or one of the other Beyonce kids: Babirye Carter maybe, thus joining the royal families of two nations together.

Next move is to have the usurper prince or princess creep up into the White House toilet and shoot Trump in the lavatory like that dude in, spoiler alert, Game of Thrones.

Trump’s last tweet will be “OBAMA WRECKED THE WHITE HOUSE TOILET LOCKS NOW I’M BLEEDING FROM A CROSSBOW #Help, send an obamacare medi… Skull Emoji”.

When the king of North America will reinstate Birth Tourism and we will all send our baby mamas to Detroit again. Hopefully, before the end of Uganda as we know it. Which is coming. I told you: I saw the future.

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